Hannah Grace

Before becoming a parent, I was always sad to hear about kids getting sick but I didn't dwell on it. After I had Bayley I had to pry myself away from the news because there was always a child who was abused, neglected, got sick, or had something else horrible happen to them. I would cry and feel awful. Working at a pediatric hospital just made it that much worse. And I work for the ER doctors, so all the horrible stuff came through: abuse, rape, and accidents. I remember one specific incident that I heard about and cried the rest of the day, then sobbed on the way home. I still think about that baby and wonder how she's doing. I don't know any of her details (name, etc) which is probably good because I'm the type of person to search them out and ask if she needs anything.

In October, a friend of mine told me about a family here at my hospital whose 4 year old daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia. My friend knew the parents and sent me a link to their website at Caring Bridge to update me on the details. I started from the beginning and the tears started flowing. Hannah Grace is 4 and was healthy until she started running a fever for a couple of days with a little bit of leg pain. Her parents took her to the doctor and that's when the nightmare began -- she was sent to a hospital 4 hours away with the possible diagnosis of leukemia. Once they got here, diagnosis was confirmed. Things just got progressively worse. Hannah had a stroke and now her brain stem is damaged. She's on a ventilator and cannot breathe well on her own. The part of her brain that understands and knows who you are and can respond to you is fine; the part that controls breathing is not.

So yesterday I worked up the courage to go visit them in person since they are only 2 floors up from where I work. I tried so hard not to cry, but I failed. I cried the whole time. I took them a gift card for food and sniffled while talking to the parents. They were sooo nice. They are young - mom is 30 and Dad is maybe a year or two older. They have one younger child named Caleb who is around Bayley's age (around 2ish or younger).

Those people are so strong and wonderful. I cried and they comforted me. How lame am I? Kim (the mom) was holding Hannah in her lap with all the tubes connecting her to the ventilator and IVs, etc. I just cried. Such a sweet little girl. It's just not fair.

I got home last night and checked the blog. They had decided to extubate her (remove her from artificial support, aka the ventilator) this coming Sunday the 5th. That means that if she doesn't breathe well on her own, she will pass away. I'm so sad and upset. That has to be the worst decision of their lives. Kim was so eloquent about it. She said:

We made the decision to have her extubated/removed from the ventilator Sunday. It's kind of random, but I just started feeling God telling me yesterday that Sunday is the day. I think it will be comforting to know that people will be gathered at churches all across the country praying for Hannah. The doctors keep reminding us that we are not making the decision to end her life- we are making the decision to remove artificial support, and the ultimate decision is in God's hands at that point. That has been eye-opening to think about... who are we to think we control life? God has already numbered our days.

She is such an incredible woman and mother. My heart breaks for them. Today she posted about what may happen after they remove the ventilator:

Also, just so everyone knows, just because we are taking her off the vent Sunday doesn't mean that anything will happen immediately- this process could take hours, or it could take several days. Any one is welcome to come by and see her in the next few days- there's usually someone from one of our families hanging out in the waiting room, or you can tell the secretary at the desk that you are here to see Hannah. We plan on having only a few immediate family members actually in the room from Sunday on. Please pray that if God chooses to take her to heaven that it will be as peaceful as possible. I have been pleading with God to have mercy during this process- and I know he will.

Please pray for them. That is one beautiful little girl and no one deserves to go through this. Life just isn't fair. It has made me hug Bayley during all of her tantrums lately instead of sending her to time out.