My Valentine.

I read a really cool blog this morning... and I am going to be a copycat. In "honor" of valentine's day, I thought I'd share a little history & what makes my marriage to Joe work. (Thank you, Erin !!)

We are just normal people who both work full-time jobs for too little money, who bicker over the dumbest things. I had had a crush on him back when I was 13 and he was 15. I thought Joe was the CUTEST guy I'd ever met and I was NOWHERE near his league. He dated barbie look-a-likes and I was just the quiet, studious, average girl-next-door. We knew each other, but he ran around in a different circle of friends than me because he was 2 years older. As the years went by, I just watched him from afar. He ended up moving to Georgia and I moved upstate to go to college. I loved my life up there and one night online I found him and we began "chatting." We became good friends and over the years, we shared stories of our lives and we heard about who the other was dating, etc. He had moved back home by this time and within the span of a couple of years his mother passed away, his best friend passed away, and Z was born.

Joe's relationship with Z's mother was new when she became pregnant. They moved in together so Joe could be the responsible father and take care of his child. They quickly learned that they were not a compatible couple and had huge arguments and would go a week at a time without speaking. Joe and I emailed, IMed, and talked on the phone. Shortly after Z was born, Joe was looking for another place to live. He wanted to come visit me at school to just "get away" for the weekend. Joe was the only one who took care of Z and often I'd see him online at 3am (I was up doing my homework online) and he was up because Z was hungry, wet, etc. So after 6 months of this, Joe came up to see me. We had been friends for years and neither of us expected anything to happen. But how it did!! That whole weekend was magical. We each filled a void in each other that neither of us expected. He read me his poetry, I introduced him to Norah Jones (this was just before she had become so widely known), and we'd just talk about everything. My dog Baleigh LOVED him and she didn't even LIKE men. When he left, I was sad to see him go but I didn't feel any strings attached. He had his life back home that included an ex-girlfriend and a son.

Once he returned home, he realized how much he hated his life and needed a change. But with an infant to take care of, it wouldn't be easy. We kept in touch and he told me how happy I had made him. He had made me happier than I had been in a LONG time, but I didn't want to be his rebound. We made plans to see each other the next month on Valentine's. I came down and stayed in a hotel. We went swimming in the hotel's pool, went to the movies, went shopping, out to dinner, and just talked. We were SO different, but we were looking for the same thing: stability. We made plans to see each other once a month. At the end of 4 months, he had moved out and into his own apartment. He and his ex were constantly arguing about Z and she took Z with her. It was UGLY. Joe was devastated that he no longer could see his son everyday and his relationship with Z's mother was nothing short of hostile.

Once he had his own apartment, I came down to visit him every week. This was the end of the semester and I was not taking summer classes. Just working full time on the weekends. Thursday night through Sunday morning. I worked the 3rd shift at a hospital as a phlebotomist. I would get Baleigh, pack my bags, and drive to see him during the week. I'd drive back up Thursday afternoon and go back to work. This went on for a couple of months. During one weekend I was in a car accident and my car was totalled. What did Joe do? He loaned me his "spare" car!! It was a Saturn and a 5 speed. He taught me how to drive it and trusted me to go back to Fayetteville (where I went to school). Fayetteville is ALL HILLS. This is not a good scenario for a newly able to drive a standard driver. But he loaned me his car so I wouldn't have to bum rides. This still just blows my mind.

Finally, we decided that I'd move down there. This was a BOLD move on my part because I'd always sworn I'd NEVER give up my life at school for a GUY unless I had a RING on my finger. And I had never LIVED officially with a boyfriend. I was 25 years old and this was C R A Z Y!!!

Long story short, I moved in and drove back up to my job every weekend. I did this for about 4-6 weeks. I finally got a job at a hospital down here and I bought a 1999 Blazer in excellent condition from his brother. His brother's son wanted a truck instead and they sold it to me for what they owed on it. Not a penny more. This car has been wonderful to me. Still is.

So this whole time Joe and I weren't telling his family that we were dating or had moved in together. But you know, parents aren't dumb. I remember I raised my eyebrows when he once slipped and called me "honey" in front of his dad and stepmom. They never acted any differently but they knew. His family had been telling him all this time that he needs to work things out with his ex because otherwise he'll never see Z. My parents were AGAINST my dating Joe because he was a single father and I had a good life in Fayetteville. Well, that's what THEY thought. I was broke, miserable, lonely, and all I had to keep me from being completely depressed was Baleigh. She was my life for the longest time. Friends were all against it, because they said I was taking too much of a risk and I'd end up getting hurt.

One of his brothers was diagnosed with Lou Gherig's disease. It's an awful neurological disease that basically robs you of all mobility and ends up suffocating you. Danny (Joe's brother) was a musician, worked with his hands carving figures out of wood, building things, and he owned his own moving company. Danny had an extra vertebrae in his back and a doctor told him that this is what made him physically stronger than the average person. Danny could pick up a refridgerator and move it by himself!! So while Danny was nearing death, Joe whispered to him that he and I were getting married. Danny smiled his approval. When I first met him, he told me within half an hour, "I like you. You're responsible, smart, and not like the other bimbos that Joe brings home." HAHA. Danny was not one to mince words. And he told you what he thought. I liked that. Danny had raised two beautiful, smart, and respectful kids. I really admired him. Tracy (Joe's sister) had never spoken a word to me during the times I had been around. I referred to her as the Ice Queen behind her back to Joe. The rest of his family was very friendly and wonderful. When Joe went to Tommy (his other brother) and Tracy and told them we were getting married, Tracy smiled really big and said, "You know, I'm so glad because you are smart, have your head on your shoulders and you're not like the bimbos that Joe has brought home before." HAHAHAHA. So Danny and Tracy were very much alike! Tommy smiled and they all hugged me.

Within a few months of my meeting Danny, he passed away. So Joe has now lost his mother, his best friend, and one of his brothers. I remember at the funeral, when the family goes to sit in one room and then at the end stand up at the front, mourners can extend their condolences. Well, Joe insisted I sit and stand with the family. Although I was hesitant, his other brother, his dad, and his sister insisted I be with all of them. I was very touched that they had accepted me into their family.

During all this time, Joe was fighting for custody of his son. He and his ex were NOT getting along and Joe was not seeing Z on a regular basis. We kept our relationship quiet and Z was too young to report to his mother that I was in his life. I wouldn't hold Z until he was about 7 months old. I was too scared, because I had NEVER been around a child before. I was the youngest in my family and had never been around little kids or babies. It was uncharted territory with me. So I knew that Joe was part of a package deal. And how lucky was I to get a cute little boy as the other part of the package!! Z and I bonded. He giggled at me all the time and I learned how to change poopy diapers. YUCK. I don't miss that. I remember Z's first birthday party at our apartment .... it was Joe's parents and us. We had cake and ice cream and opened presents.

Well, to speed things up a little... we ended up getting married 1.5 years into our relationship. We got married at his parents' house in their big yard surrounded by 50ish members of our families and friends. It was a Hawaiian-themed wedding and very relaxed. I asked people to wear Hawaiian-themed clothing instead of dressing up. It was so much fun! I had friends drive down from Fayetteville to see us get married. It was wonderful. After everyone left, we cleaned up and had to go to McDonald's to eat because we hadn't gotten any food at the wedding! I remember the cashier saying, "DAAANG. Look at that BLING!!" My ring was very shiny and pretty and caught his attention. hah. So then we drove to our honeymoon destination in the middle of nowhere (we got lost a few times because of bad directions) and got into the cabin in the middle of the woods. It was mostly glass windows and had a huge boulder forming one wall in the bathroom. Very cool. We brought our stuff in, was getting settled and I wanted to get in the jacuzzi tub. The water wouldn't turn on. So Joe spent the next couple of hours with the owner of the cabins trying to fix the water pump so we could have water. The cabin was $150 a night and we were NOT going to "rough it" for the night! I fell asleep on the futon in the main room and Joe came to wake me up later....and we had water!! Yay!! We ended up leaving the next morning and went to the same hotel where we had spent Valentine's that second month together. We had a great time going to movies, window-shopping, and just hanging out. Very low key.

When we returned, he decided to tell his ex that we were married. He had never mentioned us dating, so when he met her at Sears to get Zach, I was in the car. He showed her his ring and said, "I'm married." She was with her mother and STUNNED. But at least we were finally out in the open. No more sneaking around.

We have now been married 3.5 years and couldn't be happier. He's my best friend and my soulmate. We're VERY different but have the same goals in life, same sense of humor, and it just works. People that see us out and about always say, "You two are married?? To each other??" They just can't believe it. He was Mr. Playboy and I was the Girl Next Door. (Not to be confused with Hugh Hefner and his 3 girlfriends.)Hehehe. You know, like the Classmates.com ad that shows the football player married to the nerd? Okay, well, he was REALLY cute and I was sorta average cute. Not GORGEOUS. But he was popular and I had a small group of friends. He was the barely average student who was always surrounded by girls. I was the smart kid who took all the AP classes and did my homework, had a job, and was responsible.

Joe and I have been through custody battles, family deaths, we bought our first house, and my precious Baleigh passing away. We even went to court when his ex accused me of abusing Z and got a restraining order against Joe. Joe went a month without seeing Z and had to go to DHS offices to see Z for the first time. Joe had it on camera... Z rushing in screaming, "Daddy!" and hearing Joe getting choked up in the background. Joe stood by me the entire time, as did his family. We went to court and it was NASTY. There was obviously nothing against us, but the judge was mad at Joe for not following up with the abuse investigation. Our lawyer had told us NOT to contact DHS because "that's what guilty people do." She didn't stand up for us in court and Joe got railroaded. One more victory for his ex.

So through all this drama and much more, we have stayed together...and we are a team. When obstacles appear, we tackle them together. It took us more than a year to get pregnant, and now I'm 27 weeks!! This is OUR first child and he has been incredible. He works a full time manual labor job outdoors as a landscaping supervisor during the day, then goes to school full time in the afternoons and evenings. He spends time with his son and still manages to make time for his hormonal wife. :)

Erin's post talked about how she and her hubby shared duties and it was pretty evenly distributed. I was impressed. I would like to say that Joe and I split duties evenly, but we don't. After all, he works AND goes to school and I just work. I usually try to take care of the house, paying the bills, getting Z fed and bathed, I figure out dinner, and I take care of our dogs. (I even tutored him through two algebra classes -- which was HARD because he has a mental block with math and I love it. He's impatient and I'm patient. He doesn't want to study, I want to study a little every night.) Joe comes home after his very long day and eats, lays on the couch, then falls asleep. On the weekends, he is usually busy doing projects around the house (the latest was building and installing cubbies in our closet). Sometimes he goes paddling with his kayaker buddies, sometimes he bike rides with friends in the neighborhood at a local trail, other times we go shopping around town or just drive around, looking at houses. But what I DO know...is that he's my other half and we work together to keep our household running, our bills paid, and we still love each other as much - if not more - than the day we got married.

So this valentine's day, we'll go out to a nice dinner (where he has a giftcard..haha!) and then we'll go home and be thankful to have made it through another year together. He doesn't buy me roses (he says they're not practical, they'll just die), we don't spend a lot of money on gifts (cause we're always broke from bills or something), but do tell each other "I love you" and we're still a little lovey dovey even though our "newlywed" status is gone. The greatest gift he can give me is growing in my tummy, and we have what we were both searching for so many years ago: stability. That's all I need.

I love you, Joe!